Can you spot the gay soldier?
Writes of Spring
2 weeks ago
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Monday, August 23, 2010
Dear Servers,
If you want to drop your tip from 20+% down to around 12-15%, just set the bill down in front of T.
I don't appreciate assumptions that 1. We are on a date and because he is male, he will pick up the tab 2. That we are partners, perhaps even with a joint checking account, and that he will pick up the bill because he is "in charge" of said account. 3. Anything remotely in-between these scenarios.
There's a middle space at any table--use it.
Hugs and kisses,
B.
(As it turns out, we split restaurant tabs, although it often appears as though I pay because T's a cash kind of guy and I use my card. I get a small sense of satisfaction handing them the bill with my credit card, knowing they expected to see T handing his to them.)
I don't appreciate assumptions that 1. We are on a date and because he is male, he will pick up the tab 2. That we are partners, perhaps even with a joint checking account, and that he will pick up the bill because he is "in charge" of said account. 3. Anything remotely in-between these scenarios.
There's a middle space at any table--use it.
Hugs and kisses,
B.
(As it turns out, we split restaurant tabs, although it often appears as though I pay because T's a cash kind of guy and I use my card. I get a small sense of satisfaction handing them the bill with my credit card, knowing they expected to see T handing his to them.)
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Huge
This has been a summer of leisure for me, in some ways, and I've been watching a lot of television. I mean A LOT. One of the shows that caught my attention is Huge, a show on ABC Family about a group of teens at weight-loss camp for the summer. While their weight and individual issues with it and camp obviously play a role in the story lines, these things are not the ONLY thing the show deals with. Adapted from a book and written by the writer of My So-Called Life, the show stars Nikki Blonsky and Hayley Hasselhoff (yep, the Hoff's daughter).
I love this show. Love it. The characters are well-rounded and full of depth, with plenty of growth as the season has progressed. Moreover, it's a show where bodies other than stick figures are the norm. In fact, the show has a range of body types: the thin (almost too thin), fit athletic director; the toned, athletic camp director; the camp counselors--some of whom we learn had gone through the camp themselves; and the range of body types of the campers. (In fact, one plot point is how Hayley Hasselhoff's character has the "thinnest" body of the girl campers and is therefore the envy of some of the other girls at the camp.)
Now, the thing that is most interesting to me is how this show has made me continually think about bodies and cultural perceptions. [For example, I first typed "healthy" as a description of the camp director but then realized the negative implications for a body larger than hers--which, of course, can still be healthy.] One of the issues I mostly struggle with is my worry over people's health vs my want for people to love their bodies and be comfortable in their own skin without worrying about cultural expectations. It's something that has affected me personally and is an issue I often worry about with close family members. It's sometimes hard to see how the two ideas can coexist peacefully without feeling like you're "giving in" to an ideology you're uncomfortable with.
This is one of the things I think the show addresses through the multiple characters, one of which being Blonsky's: her character is at camp because her parents make her--she publicly announces her goal is to gain weight because "there's an even fatter girl trying to get out." Through various interactions with campers, we learn that she sees weight loss, even if it will benefit her health, as giving in to the cultural belief that thin is beautiful. However, another camper, while wanting to lose weight, reiterates that the number doesn't matter, but it's how one feels that should be the goal. And, of course, for Hayley H.'s character, the number is the only thing that matters for her feeling good about her progress.
Each camper has been growing over the episodes, challenging their own--and the audiences'-- ideas about themselves, their body, cultural perceptions. This is woven among storylines of young love, lust, friendship, and social awkwardness. [If you watch the show, my favorite character is Alistair/Athena. That actor is amazing and I hope he continues to work after this show.]
The most recent episode included the first "weigh-in" since the first day of camp; the varying results and the character reactions to those results had me in tears. There were victories of differing kinds and there were some heartbreaking moments that tear me up just thinking them.
I find the show to be so honest (sometimes cheesy and predictable, but in a really good way) and I appreciate how they are dealing with issues of body image and cultural expectations without making them the center of the show or too heavy-handed.
I don't want to get too much more specific about what happens because I don't want to ruin it for those of you who want to watch it, but let's just say Huge has given me a lot of food for thought this summer.
I love this show. Love it. The characters are well-rounded and full of depth, with plenty of growth as the season has progressed. Moreover, it's a show where bodies other than stick figures are the norm. In fact, the show has a range of body types: the thin (almost too thin), fit athletic director; the toned, athletic camp director; the camp counselors--some of whom we learn had gone through the camp themselves; and the range of body types of the campers. (In fact, one plot point is how Hayley Hasselhoff's character has the "thinnest" body of the girl campers and is therefore the envy of some of the other girls at the camp.)
Now, the thing that is most interesting to me is how this show has made me continually think about bodies and cultural perceptions. [For example, I first typed "healthy" as a description of the camp director but then realized the negative implications for a body larger than hers--which, of course, can still be healthy.] One of the issues I mostly struggle with is my worry over people's health vs my want for people to love their bodies and be comfortable in their own skin without worrying about cultural expectations. It's something that has affected me personally and is an issue I often worry about with close family members. It's sometimes hard to see how the two ideas can coexist peacefully without feeling like you're "giving in" to an ideology you're uncomfortable with.
This is one of the things I think the show addresses through the multiple characters, one of which being Blonsky's: her character is at camp because her parents make her--she publicly announces her goal is to gain weight because "there's an even fatter girl trying to get out." Through various interactions with campers, we learn that she sees weight loss, even if it will benefit her health, as giving in to the cultural belief that thin is beautiful. However, another camper, while wanting to lose weight, reiterates that the number doesn't matter, but it's how one feels that should be the goal. And, of course, for Hayley H.'s character, the number is the only thing that matters for her feeling good about her progress.
Each camper has been growing over the episodes, challenging their own--and the audiences'-- ideas about themselves, their body, cultural perceptions. This is woven among storylines of young love, lust, friendship, and social awkwardness. [If you watch the show, my favorite character is Alistair/Athena. That actor is amazing and I hope he continues to work after this show.]
The most recent episode included the first "weigh-in" since the first day of camp; the varying results and the character reactions to those results had me in tears. There were victories of differing kinds and there were some heartbreaking moments that tear me up just thinking them.
I find the show to be so honest (sometimes cheesy and predictable, but in a really good way) and I appreciate how they are dealing with issues of body image and cultural expectations without making them the center of the show or too heavy-handed.
I don't want to get too much more specific about what happens because I don't want to ruin it for those of you who want to watch it, but let's just say Huge has given me a lot of food for thought this summer.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Feminist coaching
This past spring, I signed up for a coed, noncompetitive softball league through T's team from his work. If you know me, you know that this is completely out of my nature and quite strange. It was a surprise to me, too.
One of the things that I always hated about organized sports is the yelling--people yelling at you to do things, yelling when you do things wrong, or sometimes, yelling for no reason. Gym class did nothing to change my view of sports.
But, I figured that since it was noncompetitive that it would be fun. And I was pleasantly surprised to find out that I was right. But mostly, it has to do with our team's "coach," J, who's a coworker of T's.
I doubt J will ever read this, and I'm not sure how he'd feel about this label, but his coaching style is very feminist. And by that, I mean that he's incredibly supportive and never yells at people when they screw up or don't perform well. His motto seems to be to reinforce the strengths and talk about how to improve without making people feel like crap. I have to say that I've never encountered someone so competitive (because he is SO competitive) who is also so caring and encouraging for those of us who are not athletic.
[Just for a brief picture, J is built and easily hits a home run at least once a game. It's ridiculous.]
Yes, I realize that this is a noncompetitive league, but I think what strikes me most about his attitude and behavior is that he goes out of his way to make people feel good about what they're doing and they're capabilities.
For example, I always feel guilty when I don't make it on base or if I screw up a catch. He's always telling me not to worry about it and then points out something good that I've done that game. (I actually think he has TOO much confidence in me and my softball abilities.) I guess I'm so shocked by this because all of my sports experiences have been so negative. I think that if J had been my gym teacher somewhere along the line, I much actually like sports.
Ok, that's probably a stretch.
One of the things that I always hated about organized sports is the yelling--people yelling at you to do things, yelling when you do things wrong, or sometimes, yelling for no reason. Gym class did nothing to change my view of sports.
But, I figured that since it was noncompetitive that it would be fun. And I was pleasantly surprised to find out that I was right. But mostly, it has to do with our team's "coach," J, who's a coworker of T's.
I doubt J will ever read this, and I'm not sure how he'd feel about this label, but his coaching style is very feminist. And by that, I mean that he's incredibly supportive and never yells at people when they screw up or don't perform well. His motto seems to be to reinforce the strengths and talk about how to improve without making people feel like crap. I have to say that I've never encountered someone so competitive (because he is SO competitive) who is also so caring and encouraging for those of us who are not athletic.
[Just for a brief picture, J is built and easily hits a home run at least once a game. It's ridiculous.]
Yes, I realize that this is a noncompetitive league, but I think what strikes me most about his attitude and behavior is that he goes out of his way to make people feel good about what they're doing and they're capabilities.
For example, I always feel guilty when I don't make it on base or if I screw up a catch. He's always telling me not to worry about it and then points out something good that I've done that game. (I actually think he has TOO much confidence in me and my softball abilities.) I guess I'm so shocked by this because all of my sports experiences have been so negative. I think that if J had been my gym teacher somewhere along the line, I much actually like sports.
Ok, that's probably a stretch.
Monday, July 12, 2010
Weighty Issues
As a feminist grad student getting a PhD in English, I tend read/hear/talk a lot about the body. Often, it's the female body and how it is positioned within a text. Well, I've been thinking a lot about my body and its position as of late and I've come to some conclusions.
[First, as any New Historicist knows, you might need context. For the past couple of years, I have been (to varying degrees), actively trying to lose weight. So far, I've taken off about 40lbs. I've done so through Weight Watchers (on my own--no meetings or anything) and exercise.
Just last summer I started running and then had to take a bit of a break over winter and spring semester. I started up again a couple of months ago and am now up to over 4 miles! This is quite the feat for someone who used to use that popular phrase "I only run if someone is chasing me."]
Well, I've been frustrated lately because I feel as though I should be losing more weight and I wasn't happy with what I was seeing in the mirror. (The vacay to Florida didn't help and I think I'm still carrying around some of the consequences of those pieces of key lime pie.)
And I got mad at myself for being upset with how I look. As a feminist, how could I be falling for that crap about perfect bodies and striving to be thin? It was a bad cycle for a couple of days and god bless T for putting up with my grouchiness.
Then, the other day while I was running, I had an ah-ha moment.
I was running 4 freaking miles.
This body, the one that I had been unhappy with, was able to run for almost an hour at a time. That's crazy.
So, I'm trying a new outlook: I'd like to continue to give my body more challenges and watch how it meets them. I'm going to concentrate on that outcome rather than on body size or weight. (Yes, yes, I know that should have been obvious, but when you are in the midst of the whole weight loss process, that can get set aside for more aesthetic goals.)
I'm currently looking for a good place in town for running stairs....
(I'm sure there's a great ending metaphor in there somewhere, but it's too late at night for me to come up with it right now.)
[First, as any New Historicist knows, you might need context. For the past couple of years, I have been (to varying degrees), actively trying to lose weight. So far, I've taken off about 40lbs. I've done so through Weight Watchers (on my own--no meetings or anything) and exercise.
Just last summer I started running and then had to take a bit of a break over winter and spring semester. I started up again a couple of months ago and am now up to over 4 miles! This is quite the feat for someone who used to use that popular phrase "I only run if someone is chasing me."]
Well, I've been frustrated lately because I feel as though I should be losing more weight and I wasn't happy with what I was seeing in the mirror. (The vacay to Florida didn't help and I think I'm still carrying around some of the consequences of those pieces of key lime pie.)
And I got mad at myself for being upset with how I look. As a feminist, how could I be falling for that crap about perfect bodies and striving to be thin? It was a bad cycle for a couple of days and god bless T for putting up with my grouchiness.
Then, the other day while I was running, I had an ah-ha moment.
I was running 4 freaking miles.
This body, the one that I had been unhappy with, was able to run for almost an hour at a time. That's crazy.
So, I'm trying a new outlook: I'd like to continue to give my body more challenges and watch how it meets them. I'm going to concentrate on that outcome rather than on body size or weight. (Yes, yes, I know that should have been obvious, but when you are in the midst of the whole weight loss process, that can get set aside for more aesthetic goals.)
I'm currently looking for a good place in town for running stairs....
(I'm sure there's a great ending metaphor in there somewhere, but it's too late at night for me to come up with it right now.)
Friday, June 18, 2010
Permanence and Adulthood
It's been awhile since I've posted, with lots of exciting things happening. The school year ended (finally!) and I moved in with T. The transition has been going well--except that I haven't gotten any academic work done this summer. Not that I blame T--I just think that I needed a break and I haven't yet figured out where I'm going to work best in this new space. We just recently purchased a new washer and dryer, which is exciting and makes me feel really adult-like.
In fact, this whole "living with T" thing has made me feel more like an adult than anything else ever has--it's very strange. I know I'm not a "kid" anymore (I'll be 28 in a month), but I still don't feel grown-up enough to be living with someone. I feel the same way when I hear about everyone getting married and having kids. It still totally freaks me out.
When I was a kid, I was afraid of change--I would have nightmares my parents decided to move somewhere new (which is laughable). Well, that attitude changed when I got to high school and I couldn't wait to move on--I've felt that way ever since then. Maybe it's because I had so little change as a child so I crave it now. When thinking about my future, the idea of permanence frightens me. I like transitions and knowing that change will be coming. When I see people settled into a home, with a safe, daily routine, I get a bit depressed thinking that I, too, might be like that someday.
I'm happy T loves to travel, which I think will be my saving grace when I do move somewhere and get a job (hopefully). Besides, if you know us, I think you know we don't have to worry about turning into full-fledged adults anytime soon.
In fact, this whole "living with T" thing has made me feel more like an adult than anything else ever has--it's very strange. I know I'm not a "kid" anymore (I'll be 28 in a month), but I still don't feel grown-up enough to be living with someone. I feel the same way when I hear about everyone getting married and having kids. It still totally freaks me out.
When I was a kid, I was afraid of change--I would have nightmares my parents decided to move somewhere new (which is laughable). Well, that attitude changed when I got to high school and I couldn't wait to move on--I've felt that way ever since then. Maybe it's because I had so little change as a child so I crave it now. When thinking about my future, the idea of permanence frightens me. I like transitions and knowing that change will be coming. When I see people settled into a home, with a safe, daily routine, I get a bit depressed thinking that I, too, might be like that someday.
I'm happy T loves to travel, which I think will be my saving grace when I do move somewhere and get a job (hopefully). Besides, if you know us, I think you know we don't have to worry about turning into full-fledged adults anytime soon.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
No kids. No, really.
So, it happened again today in a situation where I really wasn't expecting it.
Today I had my wonderful yearly exam (hope not tmi--they're important!). Anyway, the doctor was pleasant enough and asking me a lot of general health questions, which I appreciated. Usually at university health services, they're rather quick about pushing people through exams. Anyway, she was asking me about getting enough calcium, which I said I do, and then she about folic acid and then something about why this was important, especially in the future for when I wanted to have kids. I told her I wasn't going to have kids--don't want them.
And that's when it happened. I got "the look"--the "Oh, really? You might think that now, but you're young and will change your mind" look, accompanied by a slight smirk.
Ugh. Seriously?
Just once, I'd like to hear someone over 35 tell me "that's cool" when they learn I don't want kids. And I'd especially like to hear it from a woman who works in women's health.
Today I had my wonderful yearly exam (hope not tmi--they're important!). Anyway, the doctor was pleasant enough and asking me a lot of general health questions, which I appreciated. Usually at university health services, they're rather quick about pushing people through exams. Anyway, she was asking me about getting enough calcium, which I said I do, and then she about folic acid and then something about why this was important, especially in the future for when I wanted to have kids. I told her I wasn't going to have kids--don't want them.
And that's when it happened. I got "the look"--the "Oh, really? You might think that now, but you're young and will change your mind" look, accompanied by a slight smirk.
Ugh. Seriously?
Just once, I'd like to hear someone over 35 tell me "that's cool" when they learn I don't want kids. And I'd especially like to hear it from a woman who works in women's health.
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